I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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