I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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