I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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