You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We got so high we made milksteak
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
