I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
