So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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