take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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