I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
