she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
