Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
