Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
