I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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