"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
