just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
