so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
