The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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