The maid of honor just puked.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
