Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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