Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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