If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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