I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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