just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
