my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
