I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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