Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
