I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
