it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
