she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
ttyl tear gas
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
