I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
we should paint friendship bongs
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