Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
