I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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