pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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