You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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