is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
