What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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