Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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