My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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