so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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