so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize