If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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