My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
