Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
