I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He has the fingertips of a God
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
