Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
