But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
