Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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