I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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