The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
