what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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