I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
