some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
