the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
