I wish my penis had an off switch
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
