Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
