I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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