The maid of honor just puked.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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