Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
