its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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