I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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