Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
